Girlfriend in Regress

During a heated argument earlier this year, my boyfriend set his jaw and seethed, "You should change the name of your blog to 'Girlfriend in Regress!'" It was so clever and quick that it stopped me dead in my tracks and I couldn't help but laugh. The fight ended shortly thereafter. But, unfortunately, the time has come to seriously consider that suggestion.

We knew things were crumbling a little over a month ago; we were fighting all the time, and making promises to each other that neither had any intention of keeping. We just weren't connecting the way we used to. When the pressure on us became too much to bear, things blew up, my boyfriend went and stayed at a friend's house for a few days, and we ended our relationship. Since then it's been uncharted territory, because we still share a home, and are doing our best to coexist until the end of our lease.

Obviously this isn't the ideal situation for anyone. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and truly expected that we'd be together for the duration. We had started talking about buying a house together. Even though neither of us is particularly marriage-minded, we were planning on taking our relationship to a new level of commitment. You'll remember we went and bought rings symbolizing that.

So now we're faced with the daunting task of dismantling, "our life," together. Since the breakup we've been able to be pretty civil, and have continued spending time together (because, well, we still enjoy each other's company) and things have been generally OK. It's nice to know that I can still lean on him for certain things, and neither of us has gone down the vindictive path (yet) so we're able to continue to pay the bills and share a space. Still, the time will come when we'll have to cut all ties and really move on, and that's not something I'm looking forward to after three years together.

I'll do my best to keep writing, even though I am technically now a Girlfriend in Regress.

Keep the Change

I once read somewhere that...

Men get married hoping the woman will never change, 

and women get married hoping the man will change completely. 

That's very true, don't you think? I know in my current relationship that a frequent gripe from my better half is, "You've changed." Hell yea, I've changed, and I hope I change some more.

Change is pretty much the only thing you can be sure of in life. People will change right before your eyes if you're paying close enough attention. When you aren't evolving then you stagnate and nobody likes the smell of stagnation, especially curled up in bed next to them. Relationships change, and if they don't, they die. I never want to look back at my life or my relationships and realize that I've been in the same place, fighting the same battles and making the same mistakes for years on end.

If we get back to the quote, though, does it suggest that women are committed to evolution, while men favor stagnation? Maybe it's not entirely that black and white, but it sure seems like it sometimes. I think men find a cute, young, wide-eyed thing and want to put it under glass and keep it just so. Women want a fixer-upper that can continually be taken to the next level.  But the reality is that you're both going to change, together and independent of each other. And that's not a bad thing.

The struggles come when your evolution or lack thereof makes your significant other feel uncomfortable or unsupported. To be perfectly honest, in my personal life, we've been feeling a lot of this tension lately and I'm not sure what the end result will be. I'm looking forward to a lot of things that maybe my boyfriend isn't quite ready for but as long as we're honest with ourselves and each other, things will work out the way that they're supposed to. We'll evolve and survive or stagnate and die, but no matter what, I'm rooting for change.

Will You Adore Me?

On a whim this Sunday, my boyfriend and I decided that we'd like to get rings for each other. Not engagement rings or wedding rings or even, "promise," rings but ones that symbolize our commitment to one another. Maybe even simpler than that, rings that symbolize our adoration for one another.

So after a wonderful brunch with friends, we trotted over to a neighborhood gift shop in search of adoration rings. My boyfriend had his mind set on a claddagh style and I had mine set on...sparkle. Naturally. Romeo's Gifts did not disappoint; he spotted "his" ring right off the bat and after some hemming and hawing and cursing my chubby fingers I found one that suits me perfectly. It's yellow quartz, which I love for the color and the local connection (there are quartz mines in New York State, right?) And even better than that, it is sparkle city. I can practically hear the bling sound effects when I look down at it.

We decided to wear them on our left-hand ring fingers. I know, I can hear half of you out there gasping, but, in my mind, the ring finger is reserved for things that say, "Hey, I'm in a relationship." Sure, it's a pretty modern attitude, and I have a feeling that my mom isn't going to like it very much, but this here ring finger belongs to my sweetie and if he wants to put something on it, that's his right. No arguments from me. :)

Lovefool

In anticipation of the three year anniversary of my boyfriend's and my first date, I thought it would be fun to read the tidbits of recorded history from that time. In other words, the gushingly girly emails I wrote to my friends. Oh my god, was it not fun.

I read and read and by the end of the narrative was depressed, and pitied the heroine for being so lovesick and foolish. She was head-over-heels. She was making emotional mix CDs at a rate never before seen. She was hanging on every text, call, and glance from him. She was, quite frankly, a little bit pathetic. When I finished reading, it took me a moment to snap back into reality and realize, "That awful creature was me." *barf*

It took even longer to remember that I had ultimately gotten what I'd wanted so badly years ago. There's not much comfort to be taken in that, though, because that lame girl is still in there somewhere, just waiting to pop out. When she does I'm going to remind her that one CD is plenty.

Update: Just did a little research into what kind of gifts are traditional for a three year anniversary and apparently it is the 'Leather Anniversary.' So, what does that mean? Like, shoes? Or whips and ball gags and things? Fair enough...

YES!

OK, so I'm a little bit obsessed with Say Yes to the Dress. Not so much because I have any plans to marry, but because I've been fantasizing about and sketching dresses of all kinds since I was knee-high to a flower girl. I love the fashion, love the drama of everyone throwing in her opinion on the brides' choices, and I especially love when the stylists "jack up" the girls with veils and jewelry once they've found The One. It's all very satisfying, and it makes me want to go shopping. (I'll admit that I've even gone to Kleinfeld's website and browsed. Also very satisfying. I like either art nouveau-themed dresses, or the superduper modern ones with asymmetry and pockets.)

A few nights ago I caught a new (I think) episode featuring a couple who seemed to be so ridiculously in love. When they were shown at their wedding, the bride asked the groom if she liked her dress and he said:

"As long as you're wearing it, I like it."

Um...hashtag MELT. What a beautiful thing to say to your new wife, or anyone you're in love with, for that matter. It's just such a wonderful attitude to have towards your partner. To really believe that she could be wearing a dress made of masking tape or a Slim Goodbody outfit and still look amazing.

Even if it's not entirely true, I'd suggest learning this line and pulling it out in the future. It'll probably get you a, "Yesssss."

Blank

This is a bit of a shameless plug for the book I'm reading right now, but if you want to gain some insight into the long-term potential of your relationship (or insight into a lot of things, really) you should pick up Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. It delves into the instant judgments we're capable of making and how those gut reactions can sometimes be more accurate than judgments made after months of study.

In the first chapter, Gladwell recounts an experiment performed to determine if the success of a marriage can be predicted. They filmed couples discussing their marital issues and analyzed the emotions they displayed. Turns out the designers of the study were able to guess with about 90% accuracy whether the relationships were doomed or not, just based on the ratio of negative interactions to positive. Is that not amazing?

Apparently the number one indicator of a relationship that isn't going to last is the presence of contempt during those conversations. Feeling contempt from the person you love doesn't just affect your heart, but it can lead to more frequent illnesses (!) and less happiness in all areas of life. To me, this makes so much sense. If my boyfriend is upset with me; if we get to the point that we're being mean or calling names, it guts me and makes it nearly impossible to focus on anything other than those negative emotions.

So if you're approaching the point in a conversation or conflict where contempt may enter the equation, step back. They say, "Sticks and stones," and all that, but unkind words from your SO can physically hurt you. And, at the very least, they point toward a predictably grim future for you, as a couple.

Just a Spoonful of Sugar

I'm going to write a little open letter to the guys right now, because I look at you and I see the confusion and helplessness in your eyes. You're trying so hard to figure out what's happening in these crazy, feminine heads of ours. You're nervous and desperate and kind of want to bolt, like a startled animal. I see all this, and I want to help, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I promise will serve you well in your relationships. In this case, we're talking about romance, which is a word that scares the hell out of you guys, but it really shouldn't, because...