When I die, if there’s a Hell that's where I'll be going. I do hope that you have a “sorting” moment at the Pearly Gates before being sent downtown, though, because I have a few things to say to God/Jesus. They are:
- Whoa, I am SO SORRY that I spent so much time wondering whether or not you were real. That is awkward for me. You have a nice place here. Very modern with the white and stuff. The Kardashians would love this…wait, how have you never heard of them, they’re like OMNIPRESENT down there.
- You’re cool with everyone, not just straight people, right? OK, that’s what I thought.
- Good job with helping humanity engineer yellow watermelon. Thumbs up to all juicy fruits, actually. Well done.
- Tell my Grandma I said, ‘Hi!’
- Do you know where my senior yearbook went? It cost me, like, $40 in Earth money and that is equivalent to…probably a lot of Heaven money. So I’m sure you can understand my concern.
- They say that hell is hot and all, but my idea of hell is being braless in a cold room with a scratchy top on. Ohhhhhh they have that, too? Dang.