Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dates and Figs

I realized this morning that I'm probably going to be alone forever. Not because I want to be. The thought terrifies me. But rather because I hate dating, and especially first dates. A friend recently mentioned a local restaurant that he'd had several good first dates at, and it sent chills up my spine. Not just a good first date, but a bunch of them. My worst nightmare.

Honestly, I've only gone on three "first dates" in my entire life. I'm 29-goddamn-years old and I've only been on three first dates. I'm talking about real dates, here, where someone picks you up and takes you somewhere. I've "hung out" with guys and that leads to a relationship, but as for serious first dates, only three...and the last one was four years ago. I truly thought it would be the last one because I never anticipated a break up but shit happens. And now I'm afraid it's all over for me.

The idea of signing up with a dating website, chatting with random guys, meeting up for coffee...I'd rather lay down in an intersection. I'm not being overly dramatic about this, it's just not me. I'm sure people will say, "Oh, get out of your comfort zone. Try something new!" You're all nuts, I say. Pure torture. Some people enjoy playing the field, but I guess I'm happy on the sidelines. We have Gatorade, here.

P.S. You're probably wondering, "Where do the figs come in?" I recently got an ice cream machine and am going to make fig sorbet, because my friend Richie made it for me and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. And that's the end of that story.


  1. I hope you'll go on a date with me some time, though it's not the same, I know. I've only been on three real dates myself. Two of which were with Mark, so . . . I used to be a romantic, when I was a kid. I imagined getting flowers and shit. That changed pretty quickly when I got to college and guys were just like: I'll meet you outside the dining hall and then we can make out for a while and smoke cigarettes. Sigh . . . PS: Thanks for the figgy shoutout!

  2. You're not going to be alone forever. You're going to be alone for exactly how long it takes you to be comfortable with being alone, to stop worrying about how stressful dating is, and as long as it takes for you to embrace the single life.

    At that exact moment, the guy you're supposed to be with will come stumbling into your life in the most disruptive, unexpected (and noisy, cause he's a boy) way possible and turn the whole darn thing upside down.

    It's the cooties. They can't help it.

    Seriously - I know how you feel. I promise that even though life doesn't always give us what we want, we do always get what we need.

  3. I am a guy and I agree with you about dating sites. Its so awkward to meet people online, and unless you are social butterfly meeting people in the real world can be very tricky too.