I'm Bushed

I’ve been having a few kind of desperate days, feeling so sad but not having any outlet for it. I think the people in my life are tired of listening to me moan about my ruined relationship. Heck, I’m sick of listening to me. In general I'm just tired of being sad. Last week I had cocktails with a friend who told me she wanted to introduce me to someone. I was hesitant, internally, but tried to put on a happy face. “Even if you guys can be friends, it’s a good thing,” she said. I couldn’t argue with that. 

But there’s nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than a set-up. So when she invited me over this weekend my first thought was, “Is this an ambush?” I was scheduled to show up a little late and when I told her I was on my way she responded, “Oh [your ex] is here, just FYI.” Immediately a wave of relief rushed over me. Not an ambush with a new guy that I wasn’t ready for, but a nice afternoon with friends and the guy I felt so comfortable with. The one who was the other half of me for so long. I thought I’d be able to slip into my old skin, if even for a moment.

So, so wrong.

When I arrived at the small get-together, I almost died. At the table of seven, there was a seat open next to my ex but across the table was a face I didn’t know…but knew. They were both there:  my ex and the set-up.  I wanted to just turn around and run. I wanted to have a tantrum and scream about how I couldn’t handle this. But I sat. My friend shot me an apologetic look and I returned a tight smile, then tried to have a good time.

After a few hours my ex stood to leave and I asked him to walk me home. When we said goodnight I probably hugged him for too long but I just couldn’t believe that we were going home to different places. I just couldn’t believe it.